Surviving Regret Read online

  I nod, “Things are going to be a lot different but in a good way.” I shrug. “We’ll have more freedom and we’ll all still be together.”

  Madison and Alexa nod in agreement.

  “Do you think we’ll still have nights like these?” Alexa asks.

  I smile.

  “Of course we will.” Madison answers. “We’ll all be shit-faced a time or two and we’ll do it together.”

  “We’ll always be there for each other. We may make new friends, we may not spend as much time together but one thing that will never change is our friendship.”

  Madison laughs, “I’ll be there to hold your hair up when you’re puking.”

  Alexa smiles, “You mean I’ll be holding your hair up.”

  Madison shrugs.

  ***

  When the guys finally arrived we were in the heated pool. Alexa’s parents were cool as hell and allowed us to have a couple of beers as long as we weren’t going to be driving anywhere. I was just opening my second one when Landon snatched it out of my hand and downed the entire can in two gulps.

  “Landon,” I yelled.

  He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, “Sorry, baby.” He grins then reaches for another, opens it and hands it to me.

  Landon slides in behind me and pulls me back on his lap, kissing and nipping at my neck. Landon is running on adrenaline, ready for tomorrow’s game and he’s looking to get rid of some that pent-up energy so he can sleep tonight. I know right now that I’ll be up late and I’m craving absolutely anything that he wants to give me.

  Steven is messing around with his music and hooks it up to the outside speakers. I catch him glance over at Alexa who shakes her head smiling and “Ice Ice Baby” comes on. I feel Landon’s hips jolt like he can’t sit still.

  “Show us those moves from the pep rally!” I yell over the music. It’s probably a bad idea but who cares. The guys need a little fun and a reason not to have to think about the game tomorrow.

  It’s all fun and games until Cash smacks his elbow showing Madison his dance moves.

  “Whoa!” Steven holds up his hands trying to help Cash stand up. “That’s enough. You can’t get hurt!”

  Landon is talking to Steven and Alexa and I suddenly hear a loud flop followed by another. “Did you just strip?” Landon asks.

  Cash and Madison don’t answer, their faces connect as one, and I’m wondering how they’re even breathing right now. It’s dark since we left the lights off but you can still see silhouettes in the night. Landon and Steven drop their shorts within seconds and I see Alexa taking her top off. I look away not wanting to see anything. This is the shit I’m talking about. I’m not brave like them. My mind is running over the different scenarios about what will happen if someone catches us or sees me naked.

  I don’t even realize that Landon is swimming over to me until he nudges my legs apart. He kisses my chest right between my breasts. He wraps his arms around me and pulls on the strings of my bikini. I hold the little triangles against my boobs, “What are you doing?” I whisper.

  I see a smirk appear on Landon’s face, “Getting you naked.”

  “Not out here.” I try twisting away but he stops me.

  “Baby, no one can see you.”

  “Yes, they can.”

  “Do you think they care, they’re naked too?”

  I think about that for a second, no one would care because they’re all busy worrying about each other. I take a deep breath and bite on my bottom lip before moving my hands and letting my top come off.

  Landon takes it and throws it somewhere behind me before attacking me with his lips. He’s everywhere all at once and all I can do is hold on.

  “Let’s go to bed,” Landon says, nipping on my ear lobe.

  I nod because I can never say no to Landon. My body craves him in ways I can’t even comprehend. I’m convinced that he put a spell over my heart all those years ago.

  Landon stands and I wrap my legs and arms around him. He walks over to the stairs and out of the pool. We stop briefly to dry off enough so we aren’t dripping through the house. Landon picks me back up and we go into the house wrapped around each other. Madison and Cash are in one of the spare bedrooms and we’re in the one next to them.

  He lays me down on the bed and then peels the bottom of my bathing suit off. I’m completely naked and Landon rakes his eyes up and down my body, drinking in every inch, slowly. “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

  I blush, “I’m not.”

  Landon moans as he covers my body with his. His erection lying heavy against my core, “Shut up.” He pauses briefly to put a condom on.

  I moan as he grinds against me, he pulls back slightly and does it again before positioning himself at my opening. Landon pushes forward enough so his head goes inside and then stops. “You’re so fucking beautiful.” He repeats.

  I want to tell him to shut up this time but I don’t, I can’t. Landon pulls out and then enters me again. “You get this look on your face that I can’t describe when I’m inside you…it cripples me.”

  I try turning my head away from him not wanting to be under his gaze but Landon puts both of his large hands on either side of my face. “Look at me. When are you going to start seeing what I see?”

  “One day.”

  “Today.”

  Landon pushes all the way in and I cry out from the pleasure. We make love so slow that I’m convinced my body has become boneless when he’s done with me. He’s completely worked my entire body from head to toe. Never would I have thought that Landon Hayes, the bad boy himself, would ever fall for me.

  He may have taken my virginity but he didn’t give me his. I know that Landon has been with other girls but he doesn’t flaunt it in my face. He makes me feel like I’m the only one there has ever been. He tells me I’m the only one who matters when I try to talk to him about his past. I both love and hate him for it.

  “You’re mine, baby,” Landon says when he comes back from using the bathroom.

  “Forever,” I answer and place a kiss on his chest before falling asleep.

  December 4, 2010

  Game Day

  Steven, Cash, and Landon are quiet all morning and remain stoic even through breakfast. This is the normal for them on game days, especially today. They are in their own heads thinking about the game, getting pumped up.

  I get up early and cook everyone, eggs, ham, sausage, bacon, and hash browns for breakfast. The guys need a big breakfast before a huge game like this. Landon already started drinking his Gatorade the second his eyes opened to make sure he is fully hydrated. I couldn’t believe he drank last night but I guess he needed something to relax him.

  “See you after the game, babe,” Landon says, kissing me on the way out with Cash and Steven doing the same with Alexa and Madison.

  “Okay, good luck today, not that you really need it,” I say winking at him. He knows I think he’s a beast on the field. “I love you.”

  “Love you too.”

  The guys take off for school so they can catch the bus to the field with the team. When they leave, the three of us get ready to head to Portland later that morning.

  ***

  At times, the game had me biting my nails but now that we’re in the fourth quarter, the score forty-one to thirty-four with two minutes left on the play clock, and I feel like I can breathe again.

  Madison, Alexa, and I are up on our feet cheering our guys on, our team on, these state champions on. We’re soaked from head to toe because of the constant rain. I can feel my toes surrounded by water every time I jump up to cheer. Raindrops are running down my face and the tip of my nose and my shirt and pants probably weigh another ten pounds from the amount of water they are holding.

  The guys are all in a huddle right after the two-minute warning. Cash is calling a play that will run down the clock so even if the Lake Oswego team gets the ball back they aren’t going to have time to score. The guys break the huddle and get into position.
Cash hands the ball off doing exactly as I thought. They make a few more plays pushing the game down the field toward their end zone.

  There are only seconds left on the clock and I know, I just know, that Cash is going to try to make one last epic pass to close out their season. He wouldn’t be him if he didn’t. They break the huddle and line up, the ball is snapped moments later. Cash steps back in the pocket while Landon sprints down the field. I’m impressed that the guys are playing so well in these cold, rainy conditions. Cash throws the ball deep and Landon, who is down by the twenty-yard line, reaches up high for the ball.

  Madison and Alexa both grab onto my arms, and with no time left on the clock Landon hurdles mid-air over a bunch of players and rolls into the end zone.

  They win. Forty-seven to thirty-four.

  The crowd goes supersonic, so much so that I swear I’m not going to be able to hear for a week. Everyone is up on their feet dancing around hugging each other.

  “They did it,” Alexa squeals in my ear as she wraps me in her arms.

  “I know!”

  In this moment no one cares that we’re soaking wet and that our limbs have turned slightly numb and our noses are red.

  Canby High School clenched the state championship for the first time in twenty-two years. What a way to close out the season of their senior year. Another memorable milestone to add to our growing collection. We won’t have this again, not as high school seniors at least, so some celebrating is definitely in our immediate future.

  After the game, the guys along with the rest of the team are whisked on to the bus so most of Canby can congratulate them when they arrive back home. As soon as I fight my way through the crowd I spot Landon. I take off for him jumping into his waiting arms.

  “I’m so proud of you, baby.” I kiss his warm dry lips, his cheeks, and then his lips again.

  Landon hugs me so hard it’s impossible to breathe but I don’t care. I’m so fucking proud of him and the whole team for how they played tonight.

  Landon sets me down, “You ready to get out of here?”

  I look into Landon’s eyes that are practically glowing. “Let’s go.” I’m so entranced that I don’t even care about the game anymore. The only thing and person I care about is Landon Hayes in this moment, nothing else even comes close to comparing.

  On the way to the car Landon lights a joint. It’s not a secret that he smokes. He doesn’t do it all the time but he does it a lot. He says it keeps him calm and helps him focus. He has backed down a little since the start of the playoffs though. Landon cups my face with his hands wanting a kiss but he is forgetting that he has the joint in his hand it causes him to drop the joint on the wet pavement.

  “Ah, damn it.” He sighs looking at the ground. “Hey, Madison, you got another?” Landon yells up to my sister who’s ahead of us.

  She holds her hand up and I see Landon’s shoulders slump in relief. I wish he’d quit but deep down inside I think he’s telling me the truth when he says it calms him down. Landon has ADHD I believe, but the second you bring it up he freaks out. He tells me that he doesn’t and drops the subject. I let it go because I hate when we fight.

  Inside Steven’s moms’ SUV, Madison and Cash sit in the third row. Landon and I are in the middle seat, Steven is driving and Alexa is in the passenger seat. We’re heading to Steven’s parents’ house in Cannon Beach. Landon is all over the place running on pure adrenaline and refuses to put on a seatbelt. He’s groping me and trying to get my shirt off. His is already off and his pants are unbuttoned. Somehow this doesn’t surprise me but I’m not having sex with him in this car, that’s for damn sure. I’m not Madison.

  Madison reaches in her purse and pulls out another joint, lighting it. She smokes too and I hate it. I tell her all the damn time to quit but she says she likes it too much. Once she has her mind set on something it’s game over.

  Landon looks back when the smoke drifts around him.

  “Put your clothes back on!” I tell him, shoving his shoulder adjusting my bra. He’s quick with his hands and had my bra pushed up before I even noticed.

  Landon laughs and grabs his flannel putting it on but doesn’t button it. “I’ll be takin’ yours off soon.” He leans in and whispers. It’s a promise for later and I’m going to hold him to it once we make it to the house, alone.

  December 5, 2010

  2 AM

  I don’t have any idea what time it is, all I do know is we’re just outside of Buxton, Oregon. My eyes are drifting closed and I know time passes but I’m not sure how long. Landon is still going full force, wild and crazy. He’s drunk and high, never a good combination. Steven is bopping his head to the music, his eyes on the road. I think Alexa has fallen asleep but I’m not sure. Cash is in the backseat and when I turn my head to look back there he has his hand down Madison’s pants. Madison is barely able to keep her eyes open but somehow she’s hanging in there. I blush turning back around attempting to gain control over Landon. Someone needs to and ninety-nine percent of the time it’s me who can get him to calm down.

  Minutes later Madison is jumping over the seat trying to get to where Landon is standing on the center console hanging out of the sunroof.

  “Landon, get back in the car!” I yell, tugging on his shirt. He’s got a bottle of beer in his hand and he’s dancing hanging out of the sunroof with Madison now. “There’s a car coming, get down,” I yell again but it’s no use. He’s wild and there is no taming him this time, he’s long gone. Landon takes the joint Madison was smoking.

  Headlights illuminate the whole inside of the car blinding us all momentarily.

  “Landon, get down!” Alexa yanks on Landon’s jeans. “You’re gonna get hurt up there.” He looks up and sees the car coming. He tries to get down but Madison is there and he can’t.

  Steven swerves into the oncoming lane. “Landon, get it! It’s burning my back!” Fuck, Landon dropped the joint down his back.

  Landon falls down on Steven, then into Alexa before landing practically on top of me.

  I see the accident before it even happens. I’ve been picturing it all night since Landon has gone crazy. I see the headlights, Steven swerves, and his hands are frantic to find the joint that’s burning him. I see Landon fall, Madison laugh. They have no clue what’s coming.

  I brace myself for what I know is approaching.

  A single phrase keeps on repeat in my head and all I can think is everything’s about to change.

  When I try to open my eyes I quickly shut them again. The pain in my head causes me to lose my breath and makes me feel like throwing up instantly. I take a couple of deep breaths trying to push the feeling away. I try to open my eyes again but they burn so bad. I raise my arm to try to wipe at my eyes but immediately put it back down. Fire and pain overtake my whole body and I heave now. There is so much pain. I attempt to lift my head from the seat but it’s no use. I’m in that in-between place of knowing we were in a wreck and honestly not knowing if I am alive or dead. A surreal moment until I hear movement next to me.

  Landon’s door opens with a creak and he falls out. Glass crunching under his feet as he moves around. I start crying though it’s making my eyes burn even more and my head pound because I don’t know what’s going on. It’s too quiet, it’s eerie. Landon comes around to my side of the car because my sister is lying on the floor boards. I can hear Cash call her name trying to wake her up. Landon picks me up out of my seat and I wince as my head rests against his chest. He sits me on the side of the road and shrugs his shirt off.

  He holds it to my face, “I know your hand is hurting but you need to hold this up to your nose.” I do as he says. “I think your nose is broken.” That explains the burning feeling in my eyes.

  The quietness that I was yearning for earlier is ceased up to now. This new quietness erupts to levels that are equally as deafening. Something is seriously wrong. Landon opens Alexa’s door. She’s screaming and fighting him trying to get around to the driver’s side of the ca
r to Steven. I can’t see inside the car from this angle but I know enough that Steven isn’t moving.

  All I hear is Alexa screaming and glass crunching as Madison stumbles over to me and sits down.

  There is blood pouring from a gash in her head, she turns quickly and vomits. I rub her back; it’s the only comfort I can offer because at any minute I feel like I’m going to puke as well.

  Landon stumbles, his arm is bleeding from scratches and gashes all over his body. He leans over, his hands on his knees as he vomits, at the same time dropping his cell phone.

  Having no idea where my cell phone is, I stagger over the wet pavement and pick up his phone dialing 911.

  “911, what’s your emergency?”

  I try to talk but no words come out at first. I clear my throat and try again. “There was an accident. Uh…We’re on Sunset Highway, I think…” I look around and spot the mile marker, “mile marker ten.”

  “Can you tell me if anyone is injured?”

  I look around taking in the scene, a lump forming in my throat. This can’t be happening. It can’t be. This is a dream. I mean a nightmare. It has to be.

  “Ma’am, are you there?”

  Is anyone hurt? How I wish that no one was but it’s not the reality.

  “Ma’am?”

  “Yes—”

  Alexa is crying hysterically screaming at Cash and Landon, “Save him!” stops me from talking anymore.

  “Can you tell me what happened?” The operator’s voice is calm and soothing just like they are trained to be. “Are you there? Ma’am, are you there?”

  I hold Landon’s shirt up to my face again briefly when I taste the metallic blood running into my mouth. “We…uh…we were driving west bound down the highway and hit an oncoming car.”

  “Is anyone injured?”

  “Yes… there’s a guy… on the hood. I think he’s dead. And Steven…”