Surviving Regret Read online

  Copyright © 2016 by Megan Smith Production, LLC.

  All Rights Reserved.

  This book may not be reproduced, scanned or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission from the author. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. All characters and storylines are the property of the author and your support and respect is appreciated. The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead is coincidental and not intended by the author.

  The following story contains mature themes, strong language and sexual situations. It is intended for adult readers.

  Cover Design: Marisa Shor/Cover Me Darling

  Edited and Formatted by Elaine York/Allusion Graphics, LLC/Publishing & Book Formatting

  If you’re a new reader of mine be sure to check out the added FULL BOOK BONUS at the end! Enjoy!

  “You just do it. You force yourself to do it. You force yourself to put one foot in front of the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry. You curse. Then you go about your business of living. There is no other way.”

  Elizabeth Taylor

  Table of Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  Other Books by Megan Smith

  Trying Not to Love You

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Chapter Thirty-Two - Bonus

  How everything changed

  December 3, 2010

  Macy

  Tick, tock, tick, tock.

  I look over at the clock on the wall—three minutes have passed since the last time I looked at it. I glance around the classroom and notice no one else is really paying attention to Mrs. Bishop, our Calculus teacher, as she goes on and on about transcendental functions.

  Who the hell is ever going to use this in the real world?

  This is the last class before the big pep rally for the football championship game that is being held in Portland. We are set to play Lake Oswego High School and we are the favorite to win this game. There is so much excitement pumping in the air that no one is concentrating on much of anything. Everywhere you look everyone is dressed in our school colors to support our players.

  I glance back over to the clock again, five minutes have passed, though it feels like an eternity. Groaning, I sit in my chair and blow a piece of hair out of my face.

  I sigh and Landon Hayes, my boyfriend, chuckles and raises an eyebrow at me, “One might think you were playing in the game tomorrow, babe.”

  I turn my head smiling, “I feel like I am.” Landon’s eyes are an obsession of mine. All he needs to do is give me a look and I melt into a puddle. I shouldn’t because God knows that Landon uses those piercing blue eyes on every girl on this Earth to get what he wants. If it’s not his eyes, it’s his delicious body. He never has a shirt on. An eighteen-year-old should not have a body like Landon does. All the hours that he spends in the gym shows, he’s not huge but he’s got defined muscle in all the right places, which gives him good reason to walk around without a shirt on.

  Landon reaches into his pocket and pulls out a folded piece of paper. He looks up to make sure the teacher has her back toward us before slipping it into my hand. Yeah, he could have texted me but the chance of getting caught is greater and I secretly love the little notes. They’ve been our thing for years. I stare into his penetrating eyes wondering how I got so lucky with a boy like Landon. He’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of, and then some.

  With a sly smile, I unfold the small piece of green paper then glance up to make sure I’m not going to get caught reading it. When I know I’m in the clear, I look down at the note that simply says, “I love you.”

  Grateful now that I touched up my lipstick before class I bring the piece of paper to my lips and kiss it. Landon isn’t watching me, he’s looking straight ahead acting like every once in while he isn’t stealing glances my way. I fold the note back up then place it in his lap leaving my hand on his thigh for a few extra seconds. He throws me a look, one I know well. The one that tells me he is thinking of us, alone, locked behind a closed door and stripped bare.

  This has become a tradition between us this year. He slips me the piece of paper, I kiss it and then he tucks it into his football pants right before game time. Canby High School is undefeated so far this year, Landon says it’s because of our notes. It’s his lucky charm.

  Landon shifts his body toward mine but not enough to cause anyone to look his way but enough for me to know that I’m affecting him.

  “Don’t start what you can’t finish, Macy.” His breathing getting faster. “I’ve warned you before.”

  I squirm in my seat remembering just last week when I pushed him too far in gym class.

  We were playing baseball out on the back field behind the high school and I was up to bat. I knew Landon was watching me, he always does. He gave me a few pointers on how to hit the ball that Mr. McCoy was throwing. I listened but I also didn’t like being told what to do. I had a few pointers of my own I was about to show him. Right before I was up to bat I rolled the waist of my shorts up just a little higher than I normally would have worn them before grabbing a helmet and bat. When I walked up I got into position and heard Landon yell, “Come on, Macy, I know you can do it.”

  Oh, I could do it alright. I bent my knees and stuck my ass out knowing I was giving Landon a show as I glanced over my shoulder. Landon was standing there with his mouth open; I winked and faced Mr. McCoy. Needless to say, I hit a double on the first try.

  Landon was quiet the rest of the game but he watched my every move with dark, hooded eyes. I knew I was in trouble. When Mr. McCoy called the game and everyone headed for the locker room, Landon had other plans for us. He grabbed hold of my arm and dashed behind the dugout.

  “Landon,” I said. “What are you doing?”

  “Showing you that two can play your little game, Macy.” Then he slammed his mouth against mine and the rest of the world quickly faded away. We were twenty minutes late for our next class and earned a detention because we didn’t have passes.

  Since Landon has a big game tomorrow I didn’t want to distract him anymore than necessary so I moved my hand away and placed it on my own lap. He groans softly but does nothing because he knows he doesn’t need the distraction as well.

>   Mrs. Bishop turns to look at the clock just as the bell rings. Everyone jumps up quickly as she yells about studying over the weekend for the test on Monday. It is useless really considering no one is paying attention in class. Besides, who the hell assigns homework over the championship football game weekend? She better plan on curving the grades for the majority of the class if she’s actually expecting any of us to crack a book this weekend.

  Landon grabs my book bag, his jersey riding up slightly exposing his back, and then reaches for my hand. We walk out of the classroom just as our friends Steven, Alexa, Madison, and Cash walk out of theirs. Landon turns in my direction to lean down and place a kiss on my lips. I’m not one for PDA most of the time, but when he touches me it’s like he casts a spell over my entire being and nothing else matters.

  He leans his forehead against mine, “I’ll see you in a little bit, babe.”

  “Okay,” I whisper leaning forward to kiss him again. His body inclines against mine with each passing second. It’s just the two of us in our own little world.

  I barely register someone clearing their throat until Landon smiles against my lips. He places one more kiss on my lips before pulling back.

  Leaning against the wall with my shoulder, cheeks flushed, I slowly die of humiliation at having been watched. I feel my twin sister, Madison, and my best friend, Alexa’s, eyes on me but I don’t look at them. I can’t. Instead I glance over at Landon who is doing his guy handshake with Cash, my sister’s boyfriend, and Steven, Alexa’s boyfriend.

  “You ready?” Cash asks Landon, watching Madison walk toward him.

  “Oh, yeah,” Landon reaches out to lightly punch his shoulder, “you?”

  “Yep.”

  “No one cares about me?” Steven fakes looking hurt that no one asks him if he’s ready.

  Landon and Cash start laughing, “We don’t need to know if you’re ready, you always are.” Landon answers.

  The guys laugh as Cash pushes Steven down the hall, “Let’s go before coach bitches about us being late again.”

  Yeah, they’re always late but this school would wait forever for these guys who play with their hearts and souls out there on the field.

  The three of them make their way down the hall to the locker room. I catch up with my sister and Alexa who are watching them walk away.

  Alexa sighs watching Steven retreating. “How’d we get so lucky?”

  I huff, “I was just thinking the same thing a few minutes ago.”

  “Don’t you girls mean how did they get so lucky?” Madison pipes up.

  Alexa shakes her head and reaches for the lock on her locker beside me. She opens it and tosses her books inside. Stacey, one of the cheerleaders, is coming down the hallway heading for the gym. She’s one of those girls who think just because she’s a cheerleader she owns the school. Little does she know, she doesn’t, and mostly everyone here at Canby High hates her. Stacey is always walking the halls with her nose stuck up in the air, something none of us can stand.

  Madison stands up straighter when she notices and squares her shoulders. Alexa looks over at us then turns her head in the other direction just as Stacey stops in front of us. I place my hands on my hips and square my shoulders preparing for another battle.

  “Nice shirts,” Stacey says with a nod toward Madison’s t-shirt.

  Madison rolls her eyes in Madison fashion, “Jealous?”

  Alexa and I snort while Stacey’s face reddens just like that. “There isn’t anything to be jealous about.”

  Alexa slams her locker shut and spins around, her anger present in her features. “You sure about that?” Alexa tosses her red hair over her shoulder as a smile plays at her lips. “Rumor has it that someone was throwing themselves at Landon just last weekend.”

  I look to Madison waiting for her to come to my defense but she just continues glaring at Stacey. I take a step forward and Alexa slides back behind me. “Oh, you mean when you got high with him and offered to give him a blow job out back of Brian’s house?” I huff, “That’s classy.” Stacey’s face is now bright red, her hands are fisted at her sides and she looks everywhere but at me. “He’ll never want you. You’re too easy for him. Now, run along, Stacey.”

  She growls and stomps off down the hallway.

  Alexa and Madison wait all of about two seconds before they start bursting out laughing. I can’t help but laugh right along with them. Landon would never go for a girl like her. She has nothing to offer the all-star of Canby or any of the other guys for that matter. What she’s honestly after is a free ride to the top with one of the players. She really needs to understand that once they get into college she’s going to be a thing of the past. Stacey is easily replaceable when she needs to be irreplaceable.

  Alexa nods her head in the direction of the gym, “We better get going. You know the boys won’t come out ‘til we’re seated.” They have in the past made the entire school wait ten minutes for Alexa once when she got pulled into the guidance counselor’s office. Landon, Steven, and Cash were benched the following game until they were down two touchdowns.

  “Let’s go.” Madison answers.

  As we walk down the hall a sense of anxiety rushes over me. So many things are changing and so fast. This is the last time I’ll ever walk down these hallways to a prep rally. This is the last time I’ll be wearing this very navy hoodie with Landon’s number and name on the back, same with Madison who is wearing Cash’s number and name, and Alexa too with Steven’s name and number. I’ll never go to another homecoming. This is our year that we rule the school, after this I don’t fool myself into thinking that everything will remain the same. I know it will never be. Friends will go off in various directions to college and those who we thought we’d stay in touch with forever will slowly fade away, just like the light of each day as it fades into the darkness of the night. I’m having a very melancholy moment right now before this pep rally. I seriously need to put my own game face on so Landon doesn’t think anything’s wrong. Nothing is, per se, but Landon knows me well enough that he will pick up on the fact that I’m having somewhat dark moments about our last few months at Canby.

  Madison bumps me with her shoulder shaking me from my thoughts, “Everything okay?”

  I look at my twin sister, she’s my complete opposite in so many ways but also the very same in others. “Yup, let’s go cheer our boys on.”

  She winks at me, “I’ll see you in a few.” Then she runs off toward the boy’s locker room.

  Alexa grabs my arm and together we walk into the gym. I push the anxiety far away in the back of my mind and concentrate on the here and now. Not the unknown, I don’t have time for that. Per the guy’s demands, we take our appointed seats on the bottom row of the bleachers center court. It’s an unspoken rule that was set our freshman year and somehow even the new freshmen who have come in behind us know that these three seats are unavailable. It’s loud in here. As I look around everyone is pumping with excitement and it’s a sea of navy and white, our school colors.

  The cheerleaders, dressed in their short navy and white skirts along with their matching long sleeve tops with Canby written across their torsos, come running, flipping and shaking their pom-poms into the middle of court. The girls are all jumping around as the Cougar, our mascot, comes flipping end over end until he’s center court right in the middle of the cheerleaders. The crowd goes crazy and starts chanting, Cougars, Cougars, Cougars.

  Madison comes running into the gym cheering as she takes a seat next to me and Alexa. Madison and Alexa both start screaming at the top of their lungs, stomping their feet and clapping their hands to the chants of the crowd. The cheerleaders run over to the door leading to the guys’ locker rooms and form two lines, ten girls on each side.

  Alexa and Madison both grab one of my hands linking our fingers together as the lights dim low, “Welcome Back” by Mase starts bumping from the speakers. The freshmen players are the first to walk out, followed by Junior Varsity and then, last bu
t not least, Varsity. Every player is out of the locker room except the trio, who always make a special entrance worthy of a professional football team.

  I squeeze Madison and Alexa’s hands knowing that any second Steven will be walking out for the last and final time. The crowd quiets down just a bit before Steven comes jogging out and then everyone explodes by screaming at the top of their lungs for him. Steven gets grouped up into the huddle of his teammates but not before he stops and points to Alexa.

  “I love you, baby!” Alexa yells, although I’m sure he can’t hear with all the noise.

  The crowd settles down again and we wait, and we wait, and we wait some more…for Landon. I can’t wipe the grin off my face. Leave it to Landon to make us all wait a little longer than necessary. Finally, he jogs out and everyone, including myself this time, screams for him. Just like Steven, he stops before he reaches his teammates and his eyes meet with mine. His piercing blue eyes steal my breath away. He mouths the words I love you, and I swear all of our classmates sigh. My cheeks flush and normally I would feel really uncomfortable and squirm in my seat from the attention, but not today. Today is a day that will be one of those memories we won’t soon forget.

  I let go of Madison and Alexa’s hands and cup them around my mouth to yell, “I love you, too!”

  Landon’s eyes go wide in surprise. He’s shocked I just yelled that I loved him in front of the whole school. He shakes his head at me laughing. His teammates gravitate toward him and soon he is swallowed into the huddle.

  Madison squeals like a little girl in my ear as Cash, the star quarterback and my twin sister’s boyfriend, appears and the crowd that we thought was out of control a few moments ago now goes absolutely berserk.

  “Take It Ta Da House” by Trick Daddy blares through the speakers. The guys all huddle together; helmets touching, arms on each other’s shoulders.

  Madison bumps my shoulder, “Watch this shit.”

  The guys break and do the dance that my sister taught them. I knew they were working on it for the last few months but I had no idea what to expect. She loves dancing and more so, teaching these guys this dance. We all start cracking up watching them shake their asses. Once they start thrusting their hips, every single girl in our high school stands and screams at the top of their lungs. All I can do is laugh and shake my head. Everyone absolutely loves this shit.