Surviving Regret Read online

  The song changes to “Like A Virgin.” I’m taking it all in…everyone standing up around the gym. This will never happen again. It’s a memory I’ll never forget.

  “Oh my God.” Alexa laughs and points to the middle of the gym.

  “Holy shit.” My eyes go wide and I cover my eyes to hide embarrassment. Landon is humping the floor, and in that short amount of time that my eyes left his, he has lost his jersey leaving him in just his shoulder pads.

  “Is he like that in bed?” Madison asks me clearly amused by this.

  My face is flaming red and I can’t even answer her because he is. He’s a fucking animal but I’d never share that with anyone. That’s something only Landon and I know and that’s the way it’s going to stay.

  Madison stands as the song comes to an end and “The Time” by The Black Eyed Peas starts up. She struts up to Cash then leans in to kiss his helmet. They dance for a couple of seconds and the song once again changes to “Ice Ice Baby.” My sister starts shaking her ass while circling all the players. All the guys in the gym are on their feet hooting and hollering. My sister’s a real catch with most of the student body but every one of them knows she is off limits. It’s Cash and Madison for life.

  When Madison makes a full circle around the players the song quickly changes to “Time Of My Life” from Dirty Dancing. Cash grabs Madison and starts dancing with her but not for long because Landon steals her away.

  “What the hell is he doing?” Alexa asks, laughing.

  “I have no idea when it comes to him.” Landon looks to me then to Madison and shakes his head before spinning her back into Cash’s waiting arms. It’s been a running joke that Landon can never tell us apart and clearly, sometimes I don’t think he can.

  “Oh hell.” Alexa squeals.

  Landon and Steven stop before us each holding out a hand to us. They bring us into the center of the gym with them.

  I bite on my bottom lip before Landon pulls it free with his thumb. “I can’t believe you pulled me out here.” He buries his face in my neck as the lights dim. “Landon, what the hell is going on?” I want to run out of the gym so bad and never show my face again.

  “Go with it, babe.” Landon slaps me on the ass and “Teach Me How To Dougie” plays through the speakers. I’m going to kill Madison for not giving me a warning about this shit.

  I wonder if anyone would notice if I slipped out of the gym? Landon has enough personality for the both of us.

  The guys attempt to teach us how to play football. And I use the word attempt lightly. They basically just said go with whatever feels right and we did.

  Madison takes Cash’s role as quarterback, I take Landon’s as wide receiver and Alexa takes Steven’s as running back.

  We huddle up; wrap our arms around each other like we’ve seen the guys do so many times. “Macy run down to the other end of the gym, I’m throwing you the ball.”

  My eyes go wide, “I can’t catch a ball to save my life.”

  She gives me an evil smile, “Landon will make it worth it if you do.”

  I glance over my shoulder and Landon winks at me. Damn her!

  “Fine,” I groan.

  “Break,” Madison yells and then laughs like a hyena. “I’ve always wanted to do that.”

  Alexa and I take our positions with the guys as our opponents. Mikey’s a tackle for the team and he hikes the ball to Madison as I take off running down to the other side of the gym. I look back at just the perfect time to catch the ball.

  Landon is right in front of me when I catch it. “Holy shit,” he says, stunned.

  The crowd goes insane screaming and cheering. Madison, Alexa, Steven, and Cash run over to us.

  The music fades as does the lights. “How ‘bout them boys?” Coach asks and the gym once again erupts in cheers.

  Madison bumps her hip with Landon’s, “You owe me twenty bucks.”

  My mouth drops open, “You bet against me?”

  Landon smirks, “Never, baby.” Before I can respond he kisses me and slips my sister her twenty dollars. I can’t believe this little shithead bet against me.

  Coach looks down to the floor before he looks up, “Thanks to the trio for the special show.” He eyes Landon like he wants to say something but thinks better of it.

  Steven, Cash, and Landon yell, “You’re welcome.” And the crowd laughs.

  “Is everyone fired up for this game or what?”

  The whole student body goes wild all over again.

  Coach laughs. “I’ve coached here at Canby for the last twenty years and this team, this group of players is one of the best I’ve ever had with an undefeated season heading into the championship game. We need a great seed like we have right here for tonight’s game and I will assure you the boys will play and win the championship game tomorrow.”

  Everyone cheers.

  Landon turns me to him, “I love you, baby.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the note from earlier. He kisses it all the while watching me. He’s totally tuned everything around him out and it’s just the two of us in this gym. I wink at him letting him know that I understand what he’s doing. He’s keeping the tradition, ensuring that he keeps everything the same so they win tomorrow’s game.

  After the pep rally, we have about an hour left of school. None of us can concentrate. I’m not sure anyone in school did today. When school finally let out, the guys had to head to Portland with the rest of the starters for tomorrow’s game to go check out the field. They said that they’d meet us at Alexa’s house later tonight.

  Alexa, Madison, and I make our way to the cars. “So where are we going?” Alexa asks.

  Madison looks to me and I shrug my shoulders. The mood has mellowed out since the guys left.

  “I guess we’ll go to Mario’s Pizza Shop,” Madison suggests.

  “Sounds good to me,” I say.

  I drive with Madison since we took her car to school this morning and Alexa follows behind us. “So, what did you think of their performance?”

  I laugh. “It was freaking amazing but I’m pissed at you.” My laugh turns into a glare. “Why couldn’t you give me a heads up about being involved?”

  Madison cocks her head, “Really? You wanted me to tell you so you wouldn’t do it?”

  She’s got a point. There was no way in hell I would have done that if I’d known ahead of time. I’m too shy and hate to be put in the spotlight. “Doesn’t matter, you still should have told me.”

  “It wouldn’t have been as good as it was.” Madison squints as the sun shines brightly in her eyes. “And you never would have made that catch if you had to think about it all day.”

  I reach over to turn the radio up. I hate admitting when my sister is right so I’m deflecting. I see Madison shaking her head out of the corner of my eye. I wish I could be more like Madison in some ways. We look just alike; really the only difference is our hair color. Mine is brown with lighter brown highlights while Madison has brown hair but with darker brown highlights. So just by looking at us you wouldn’t be able to tell us apart. Personality wise though we are complete opposites. I’m quieter, always looking at the bigger picture wondering what if and I’m told I forgive too easily. It’s true, I do. I hate when my life isn’t in perfect order and I hate drama so I’ll go over and above just to make the situation at hand better for everyone, even at my own expense. Madison, on the other hand, is outgoing. She doesn’t wonder about consequences, she lives in the moment. She also doesn’t let people walk all over her, if something pisses her off she’ll tell you off immediately and not think twice about it.

  Pulling into the parking lot of the pizza shop Madison shuts the car off but doesn’t get out right away. “You did really good, Macy. I’m proud of you.”

  I smile. “Thanks, Madison.” It means a lot that she is proud of me. It felt kind of good to come out of my shell for those few minutes.

  Alexa taps on my window, “You coming?”

  I reach for the door handle
and climb out of the car. The three of us go in and order a pizza to eat there and grab three to go for the guys. The lady looked at us like we were crazy until we told her whom they were for. Their pizza was on the house. That’s what people in this town do for the three superstars.

  ***

  There is a movie playing in the background while the three of us are lying around on Alexa’s couch, blankets surrounding us, waiting for the guys to come back from the field with the coaches and team starters.

  “Are you guys packed for our trip to the beach tomorrow?” Alexa asks before taking a sip of her water.

  Madison throws her head back and laughs, “What do we need? I don’t plan on needing much…or wearing much for that matter. I plan on being on my back with a dick between my legs.”

  Alexa laughs along with her and I roll my eyes, “Shut up. No one wants to hear about you screwing Cash.”

  Madison throws a piece of popcorn at me and I catch it in my mouth. “You know Landon’s not going to let you wear any clothes either, so I don’t know why you’re acting all shy.”

  And she’s right again. Landon hates any form of clothes and if he had it his way neither of us would ever wear any. His mom says for the first five years he rarely wore clothes. I don’t mind that he doesn’t like wearing clothes. I actually prefer that he doesn’t so I can ogle him any time I want. But, me on the other hand is a different story.

  “Isn’t that where you lost your virginity during our sophomore year, Macy?” Alexa probes.

  “I think we all did.” Madison laughs. “I lost mine in the driveway.”

  I feel the flush building up. That was the best night of my life and I’ll remember it, even when I am old sitting out on my porch while I’m watching my grandkids running around.

  Madison ohh’s and ahh’s. She knows the details, most of them, I had to tell someone. Alexa knows some but not as much as my sister.

  “Yeah,” I say then look away seeming interested in the T.V. suddenly.

  Landon was so gentle and careful with me. He knew how nervous I was, how afraid I was that it was going to hurt. It wasn’t ideal although nothing really ever is with Landon.

  We were out lying in the hammock under the stars. It was quiet, the only noise that could be heard was from the bugs. Cash and Madison were in the room they were staying in probably fooling around. Steven and Alexa were out on the deck talking, lost in their own world.

  Landon pulled me so that I was lying on top of him. My legs straddled his hips. After a few minutes of kissing he pushed his hips up causing me to moan into his mouth and pushed back down.

  He put both of his hands on either side of my face. “Baby, we have to stop.”

  I was breathless and my body was overtaken with need. It was different than it normally was. A good kind of different.

  “I don’t want to,” I whispered.

  Landon moaned against my lips. We rolled and he was on top of me again. I loved the feel of his weight pressing down on me. His hand slipped under my shirt. Goosebumps spread over my skin and I arched my back into his touch needing more, wanting more.

  Before I knew it my shirt was gone along with my bra. We were chest to chest, nothing separated us. Landon’s hand skimmed down my sides and his fingers dipped into the waistband of my jeans. He got to the button and flicked it open. My breaths started coming in pants.

  I ran my trembling hands through Landon’s hair anchoring myself to him. I could tell he wasn’t nervous. He didn’t have trouble getting my bra unhooked, his hands were steady and he was calm. Landon slid my zipper down slowly. Alexa laughed in the distance at something Steven said and Landon stopped briefly. He tried to turn his head but I wouldn’t let him. I didn’t want to lose that connection we had going on.

  I ran my fingernails up and down Landon’s back like he liked. He shivered and slid off me to the side. I was about to say something but I didn’t get the chance before he started tugging on my jeans. He had only moved so he could get my pants off. I took a deep breath and lifted my hips to help him.

  Once my pants and panties were off Landon climbed back on top of me.

  He looked down at me, “You okay?”

  I nodded my head unable to speak as he rocked into the place that I wanted him, needed him.

  I panted. My eyes rolling into the back of my head.

  He stopped kissing my neck and moved so he could see me. “What’s the matter?”

  I didn’t know how to ask for what I needed but I knew what I wanted. Landon seemed to understand what I wanted though from just the simplest look I gave him. He reached between us and undid his button and zipper. He looked at me and I nodded. I wanted them gone. I wanted nothing between us.

  Steven yelled. “Stop fucking on my hammock!”

  I giggled because that’s exactly what was about to happen. I should’ve felt a little uncomfortable knowing they were right there but they couldn’t see us. You could barely see your hand in front of your face. The only light was the moon and stars up in the sky. Plus, I knew Landon would cover me before covering himself.

  “Shut up, asshole!” Landon yelled back but didn’t stop pushing his jeans down.

  Once they were down around his ankles he leaned back down and cupped my face in his hands. “Are you sure this is what you want? We don’t have to do this, you know this already. I’m not in a hurry.”

  I nodded because if I opened my mouth he would’ve heard the nervousness within me and he would have stopped whether I wanted him to or not.

  “You’re sure?” he asked again.

  He needed to hear the words. He wanted me to say them so there was no doubt.

  I begged for my voice to come out with the confidence I needed. “Yes.”

  Landon sat up and dug around behind him. He pulled his wallet out and dug out a condom then tossed the wallet on the ground.

  I watched as he started to slide it on. He felt my eyes on him. I wanted to roll it on but I didn’t know how to ask. Landon being Landon and knowing me so well reached for my hand. Together we put it on. He helped me to guide it to where he just had the condom rolled over the head of his dick.

  “I’m not gonna lie, Macy.” Landon breathed deeply. “It’s going to hurt.”

  I nodded but knew he couldn’t see me. “I know.” That time you could hear how nervous I truly was.

  Landon was right, it hurt like hell but as he whispered how much he loved me and how beautiful I was in my ear with each thrust seemed to make it not hurt as much. Tears spilled but I didn’t want him to stop. He didn’t last very long and I was thankful for that because I wasn’t sure how much more I could take of the pain. Toward the end it felt good but not that good to beg him to keep going like Madison said I would.

  When it was over Landon held me close and kissed away my tears.

  “My shining star,” Landon whispered.

  “What?”

  “You’re my shining star.”

  I sighed and buried my face into his neck. Suddenly, a thought occurred to me. Madison told me that you bleed after your first time and that was all I could think about. I began to freak out thinking he was going to freak out. I was a hot fucking mess.

  “What’s wrong? Does it hurt that much?” Landon asked.

  “I, uh…” How do I tell him this? “I need to go to the bathroom.”

  Landon chuckled easing my discomfort or at least that was what I thought he was doing. Maybe he had no idea the after sex part of the whole awkward situation. “Come on.” He leaned to the side and rolled off the hammock.

  He pulled up his boxers first and I cringed. I wanted to tell him to stop because of the blood but I didn’t. I was too embarrassed. After he pulled his jeans up he held a hand out for me. I took it and rolled off the hammock. I had no idea where any of my clothes were. Landon leaned down for his shirt. I sighed in relief that I didn’t have to fumble around in the dark naked to make it back to the house. After he pulled it down over my head we walked hand-in-hand into the house.
No one was up or they were at least in bed.

  I let go of Landon’s hand when we reached the bathroom. “I’ll be right out.”

  I stepped into the bathroom and tried to shut the door but Landon stopped it. I looked up at him and the corner of his lip pulled up into a half smile. “I’ll help you.”

  My eyes grew wide and my cheeks burned in embarrassment.

  “We’ll take a shower together,” he offered.

  It was a good idea but I was still nervous. Lord knows I shouldn’t be after what we just shared.

  Landon lifted my chin, “Look at me.” And I did. “I know you’re embarrassed but you don’t need to be. It’s you and I and nothing will come between us.” He kissed me then as my heart beat wildly against my chest. “Thank you.”

  My eyebrows drew in confusion, “For what?”

  “For sharing that with me,” he whispered quietly.

  All my fears, nervousness and awkwardness faded away after that. As Landon washed me from head to toe, he washed all those feelings away.

  Alexa sighs, “Do you think things will be different next year when we’re all away at college?”

  No one was really sure where we were all going to end up after we graduated high school. Steven was the first to get accepted to the University of Oregon and Alexa applied right away after that. She got in the same week that Landon was offered scholarships at the University of Washington and Alabama State. So naturally I applied to both along with the University of Oregon but I was hoping I’d get accepted to wherever Landon went. Cash had scholarship offers coming in from a bunch of different schools; so many that Madison gave up applying to any until he picked one. By the start of his senior year he had over thirty colleges to choose from. Two weeks after Steven accepted his scholarship, Landon and Cash accepted the offer too. It’s like they were waiting on him. So that’s how we all wound up going to one school.