Surviving Regret Read online

  “I told you I wanted my money.”

  Jay.

  I stay hidden in the shadows, out of sight, and listen.

  “I’m gonna get it for you. I just need a couple more days,” the kid begs.

  “And I told you no.” Then suddenly I hear Jay’s fist connect with the kid’s face. “Tomorrow, that’s all you get. Don’t make me come looking for you.” He follows that up with another punch and the kid cries out.

  Freshman year when I first met Jay I knew he was bad news. I knew then not to fuck around with him, never to get in too deep with him. I was walking to my dorm one night after a late class and heard the cries of someone getting hit repeatedly, an eerie sense of déjà vu overtakes me because this is exactly what I just heard again. I walked around the side of the building and stopped in my tracks. Jay was standing over some guy who was curled up in the fetal position. He brought his arm up; in the light it looked like a pipe of some kind. He slammed it back down against the guy’s side and he screamed out.

  Not wanting Jay to think I’d heard what happened I slip my headphones on but don’t turn the music on. I pull my phone out of my pocket to look busy when he approaches.

  Jay stands before me and I look up in surprise. “Hey, man.” I greet him keeping my tone nice and even not giving away that I know he just beat the shit out of some kid.

  He doesn’t answer me, never does. Jay hands me what I asked for in my text and I reach into my pocket to pull out the money I owe him. I never owe him, ever.

  Jay tucks the money in his right pocket and pulls out a napkin or some shit from his left and wipes his bloody knuckles off.

  “You gotta leave Madison alone,” I blurt out before I even realize what I’ve said.

  Jay stops wiping his hand but doesn’t look up. He never does, it’s beneath him to look someone in the eyes. No one is good enough for Jay. He laughs bitterly, “What are you, her fucking boyfriend?”

  “Fuck no, I’m not her boyfriend.” I try to laugh it off. Damn this guy makes me so uncomfortable and that’s a hard thing to do.

  “If you know what’s best for you, Landon Hayes, you’ll mind your own fucking business.” He throws the napkin on the ground and walks away without another word.

  Well, that went fucking great. I just pissed a drug dealer off more than he already was. Awesome start to the night, Landon.

  Chapter Four

  October 17, 2013

  Macy

  I haven’t seen Landon, except in passing, in weeks. We exchange an occasional text, nothing too deep. There is a wedge between Landon and me after I told him that he stole my heartbeat that last night with him. He threw my words back in my face telling me that he didn’t steal something I just keep giving him over and over again.

  Well, screw him. I don’t think I can try anymore. I’ve given him everything hoping he’d come around and want me as much as I want him but clearly he’s blind. I can’t keep trying. It cracks my heart every time I let him in and this last time hurt the worst. I can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed.

  “Hey, Macy,” Will McDaniel says as he takes a seat next to me in class.

  I smile politely when all I want to do is give the world the finger. “Hey, Will.”

  Will is a really nice guy. He’s adorable in a nerdy sort of way. Tall and skinny, his dark brown hair sticks up all over the place. His brown eyes shine through his dark-rimmed glasses that rest on his perfectly straight nose. He normally dresses in a button down shirt that he always has tucked into his jeans with a pair of Converse. His assignments are always done on time, never misses a class and most of the time he has his nose in a book.

  “Did you finish your assignment?” he says, eyeing my books.

  I nod, “Pretty much.”

  He goes to take a seat next to me and almost misses the chair. Will’s cheeks flush and I want to laugh, have to stifle it in fact because I know it’s not appropriate. “How about you?” I know his is done; it’d be a cold day in hell if it wasn’t.

  He goes to tap his pen on the table but it flies up in the air nearly hitting the guy in front of us. The control I had over him almost missing the chair and now this, well, I can’t help but start laughing and Will’s cheeks are blazing red with embarrassment.

  The guy in front of us turns in his seat and glares right at Will. Poor guy starts shaking but before Brent or Brian, whatever his name is, says anything, I speak up. “Sorry about that.” I smile sweetly, hoping to distract him.

  He nods once, “No problem.” He hands me the pen then turns around.

  I reach over and slide the pen across to Will. “Thanks,” he mutters under his breath.

  Our fingers graze each other’s and Will quickly pulls away like I’ve burned him. I tuck a piece of my brown hair behind my ear and look away to the professor standing at the front of the room. What the hell was that?

  The rest of the class passes in a blur. Will and I keep exchanging glances but not saying anything else to each other. When class is over we walk out together. We’re walking down the stairs and he trips over his shoelaces but thankfully catches himself before falling over face first. I’m not sure I can hold back the laugh if he does something else because I’m barely containing it now.

  Will looks up at me and I lose it. Like stomach clutching, bent over, belly laughs. His glasses are sitting crooked on his nose and his hair seems more of a mess now than before class started.

  “Are you alright?” I ask between laughs.

  He adjusts his glasses and wipes his hands down his jeans. “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.”

  We walk out of class and down the hall but Will’s steps falter. I glance back, “What’s the matter?”

  Will looks past me and I follow his direction. Landon is walking down the hall toward us. When I turn back to Will he’s gone. He’s nowhere in sight. What. The. Fuck?

  Sighing, I continue walking. As cute as Will may be he’s a little weird. The closer I get to Landon my palms start to sweat and my heart sinks into my stomach. I’m not sure if I should stop and talk to Landon or keep walking and act like he’s not there.

  Landon stops in my path.

  Thankfully, I don’t have to make that decision.

  I don’t look up at first and he doesn’t talk until I do.

  “You coming to my game Saturday?”

  I shrug, “Do you want me to?”

  Landon studies me for a second, “Yeah, I guess.”

  I roll my eyes, “You guess? No, I’m not coming then I’ve got plans.”

  Landon raises an eyebrow.

  I sigh. Of course he knows I’m lying.

  Landon shifts his weight to his other foot, “I want you there.”

  “Okay,” I answer simply. It’s all I needed to hear.

  He tips his head to the side, “Okay, you’ll go?”

  “Yes, Landon, I’ll be there.”

  And I mentally curse myself. Why can’t I be strong enough and not cave into him. He hasn’t spoken to me in weeks and the first thing he asks of me I practically fall at his feet in obedience.

  Landon tilts my chin up and places a lingering kiss on my lips that make my knees go weak.

  “I’ll see you Saturday.”

  I blink and try to settle my heartbeat. When I open my eyes he’s walking away with yet another piece of my heart. One I most assuredly just handed to him on a silver fucking platter yet again.

  You’ll never learn, Macy.

  October 19, 2013

  Heather and I go to Landon’s game against the Washington State Cougars. It’s perfect football weather, the sky is clear and it’s around sixty degrees or so. The football players are wearing their pink helmets, cleats, and socks for Breast Cancer Awareness month. After tonight’s game they are planning on donating some of the equipment to help raise funds for a basketball coach who passed away a few years ago who coached at the University of Oregon.

  The stadium is packed tonight. Sitting in the stands you can’t help but get cau
ght up in the excitement of the game. I’m dressed in jeans, sneakers, a hoodie and my number ten jersey on top to show my support for Landon. My hair is swept up to keep it out of my face since it’s a little breezy.

  “What changed your mind about coming to Landon’s game?” Heather asks, taking a sip of her drink.

  I shrug, “He asked.”

  She gives me those ‘are you fucking kidding me’ eyes. “Really?”

  I nod, “Yeah. He stopped me in the hall after class and asked if I was going to his game.”

  Heather shakes her head and looks around the stadium.

  The Ducks aren’t having a great first half. They fumble the ball three times but manage to score twenty points in the first quarter and another fourteen in the second. They’re winning thirty-four to twenty-four.

  Holden is playing his ass off tonight. He’s kind of pulling this team along for the first half.

  “Jesus,” Heather says. “Is it always this intense?”

  I laugh because it is. “Most of the time. They’re not playing a hundred percent just yet. They’re more of a second half team so just wait.”

  Heather grabs her stomach. “I need a Tums or something.”

  I laugh. There are days when I needed one too. Watching Cash get sacked and when he was carted off of the field on a stretcher was one of those days. I’ve watched these guys get sacked more times than I can count so that part doesn’t faze me anymore.

  “I’ve been watching Landon, Cash, and even…” My eyes tear up just thinking about him.

  Heather wraps her arm around me and I rest my head on her shoulder. “It’s alright.” Heather says soothingly.

  I know it is, it’s just the way it is. It’s not fair that he was taken from us but we’re here and we’re breathing. I should be thankful for that but it doesn’t lessen the pain. Years later it hasn’t lessened it. I still wonder when this will ever get easier.

  I let Heather comfort me until the half time show is over and the guys come back out on the field.

  Cash finally found Landon in the third quarter and was able to complete a pass that scored them another touchdown. At the end of the third Cash was able to hand the ball off to Holden and he scored another touchdown right as the quarter ended.

  Heather and I get to our feet cheering them on.

  “See, I told you. They always seem to play better in the second half.”

  Heather sits back down and grabs her stomach again. “Doesn’t make it any easier.”

  I laugh and bump her shoulder with mine when Declan turns to her and blows her a kiss.

  I turn and stare at Heather in shock. “Is there something you want to tell me?”

  She blushes.

  “Heather?”

  She looks away briefly, “We may or may not have hooked up recently.”

  My jaw hits the floor. I didn’t see that coming. Declan is the complete opposite of Heather’s type.

  The crowd groans. The Ducks fumbled the ball and the Cougars ran it in for a touchdown. The score is now forty-eight to thirty-one.

  “You’re giving me the details after the game,” I tell Heather, watching as Cash drops back in the pocket looking around to see who’s open.

  “Nothing to tell really. We were at a party, one thing led to another, I went back to his room, he kicked Jet out, we went at it and I left.”

  “Just like that?”

  “Just like that.”

  “Have you talked to him since?”

  She laughs, “Is this twenty questions?”

  I look away embarrassed. I’m never like this, I never get into other people’s business.

  “No, I haven’t seen him since,” Heather answers.

  I look over at her, “How do you do that?”

  Heather laughs again like I just asked a funny question. “I’m sure you can figure that part out, Mace.”

  I roll my eyes, “Smartass.” I watch as the ball sails down the field and one of the Cougar’s players’ bats the ball away from Landon before he could get his hands on it.

  “Oh, shit,” I hear someone behind me say.

  Oh, shit, is right. Landon grips the guy up, they are helmet to helmet, exchanging words I’m sure, and then a player from both teams break it up.

  “Temper much?” Heather snorts.

  “You have no idea.” Landon runs back to the team and they huddle up again. “What I meant was how do you sleep with him and then not talk to him for a few days? Don’t your feelings get involved?”

  Heather regards me for a minute. She’s thinking about what to say to me. How to answer the question so I’ll understand it. “Landon slept with other girls, right?”

  I nod.

  “Did those girls mean anything to him?”

  I shake my head. “He said that no one mattered but me.” I look away. “I don’t know if that’s true though.”

  Heather smiles sadly at me. I hate that she pities me. “Well, it’s the same for me. I’m not looking for a boyfriend. I’m here to have a good time. I’m leaving my emotions out of it.”

  I let that sink in for a few moments. She doesn’t put her emotions into it. She doesn’t feel it. She doesn’t let it. She’s just having a good time. Is that how Landon thinks? I know he’s messing around with Madison even if he says that he’s not. I know they’re still friends and they hang out a lot. I’ve even seen him countless times over the years flirting with other girls at parties while we were “taking a break.” I’ve watched him tease girls when he doesn’t know I’m in the same room as him. Hell, I’ve seen him kiss a girl or two right in front of me.

  Does he leave his feelings out of it like Heather does? Does he numb himself with them? I know he doesn’t care about them. He sees right through them. I see it in his eyes. The only time he’s not looking through someone is when he’s with Madison and me. My stomach turns. My sister. It makes me sick to think that he can find comfort in her. He finds comfort in me too and he tells me it’s only ever me he feels but why can’t I be enough? Why can’t he just see me?

  Fuck.

  Why am I still with him? Why can’t I be strong enough to walk away? Hell, why can’t I turn my feelings off and just live my life the way he is?

  “You okay?” Heather asks nudging me in the side.

  I blink a few times clearing the tears away that were doing their damndest to form. “No. I’m never okay.”

  Heather’s sad eyes meet mine. “He doesn’t know how lucky he is to have you, Mace.” Heather hugs me to her side. “I’ve told you before. Play a game he understands.”

  “I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that,” I whisper and I’m not even sure she heard me with the cheers from the crowd.

  “You are, Macy. You don’t see what I see. You’re stronger than most of us here.”

  It’s then that I let a single tear fall. I don’t feel strong. I feel defeated. I feel sacked.

  Heather and I don’t really talk the rest of the game but she finds little ways to comfort me. She knows I’m hurting. She knows that she opened up my eyes and I’m seeing things in a different light. I’m seeing things through the darkness. I’m seeing things that Landon sees. I’m caving. I’m locking my feelings away. It seems like it’s the only way.

  Take what I have now or leave it.

  I barely pay attention to the rest of the last quarter but the Ducks won sixty-two to thirty-eight.

  Word travels around that there is a party at Tim’s house tonight. Heather and I walk back to our dorm after the game to change and get ready but my head is a mess and I need to clear it. When we get back to the dorms I feel like the walls are caving in around me.

  “I’ll be back,” I say to Heather and slip my shoes on.

  Her eyebrows shoot up in surprise. She just got out of the shower and she’s standing in our room in a towel. “Are you going to the party?”

  I nod because I know I will. “Yeah. I just need to clear my head.”

  “Mace,” Heather whines.

&nbs
p; “I’m fine. I promise. I just have to get some air.”

  She sits on her bed, “I didn’t tell you that stuff earlier to fuck you up. I’m sorry I brought Landon into it.”

  I shake my head. I’m not sorry she did. “It’s not that.” I open the door and step into the hallway before she can say anything else. I didn’t mean to make her feel like shit but now I’m confused.

  After walking around for a while I head back to the dorms to get ready. I stayed out long enough that I knew Heather would be at the party by now.

  I get dressed. Although I don’t even know why I’m really even going to this party. No, that’s not true. If Landon wants to mess around, why can’t I? Why can’t I turn my feelings off like he does? Like Madison does?

  I decide to wear the short jean skirt that Landon loves and the flowing black, off the shoulder top and a pair of black boots. I sweep my hair up into a messy bun and leave a few strands of hair out. I apply just a little makeup and I’m ready to go in twenty minutes. Grabbing my light jacket with the hood since it’s raining, I’m out the door.

  The walk is short to Tim’s. When I get there the party is in full swing. Holden is out on the front lawn talking to a bunch of the guys from the team. I look around and don’t see Landon.

  “Hey, Macy,” Declan says as I walk past the group.

  He’s talked to me a time or two but he never went out of his way to say anything to me before and it takes me a few seconds to catch up.

  “Hey.”

  The rest of the guys turn to look at me. Holden, who is by far the best looking one of the group in front of me, smirks. He nods his chin in a greeting.

  I smile and look back to Declan. “Landon in there?”

  Declan’s eyes fall to the ground and gives a little nod. A shiver comes over me and I wrap my arms around myself needing the warmth. The protection.

  “Thanks.”

  I walk away and I hear one of them say, “Landon’s a fucking idiot.”

  I step into the house and my eyes take a second to adjust to the darkness. The bass of the song matches the thump in my chest. I walk into the living room and stand behind the couch looking around for Heather or Landon, hell, even Cash at this point.