Surviving Regret Read online

  When I blinked, it was Macy with me and then it just as quickly faded back to Madison. I could have stopped right then and nothing would have changed. It was just a kiss. But what did I want? What did she want?

  Madison gave me what I was looking for, the peace and quiet. She’d let me lie on that floor, hell she’d be lying right next to me. She didn’t ask for anything in return. Just let me take what I wanted in the moment to numb me.

  Everything seemed different. It wasn’t the normal sweet tasting kiss. The high and alcohol was really messing with me. I wondered if Madison felt it too. She had to of. My tongue moved against hers. I grunted, pushed her small delicate body against the wall.

  She groaned and pushed down against my leg harder. I gripped her ass in my hands, and raised her up so her legs were spread. Pressing forward, my erection dug into her. The newness, the anticipation, all of it sent a jolt through my body, a shiver I felt run down my spine. One I hadn’t felt in a while. We both gasped, her hands flew to my chest tugging at my tie and white dress shirt. I helped her out, my lips never breaking from hers.

  “I have a condom… ” I whispered, gasping for breath.

  Please don’t tell me to stop.

  Don’t.

  She didn’t say a word, her body started to shake. My hands fumbled to find the condom in my pocket but there wasn’t much hesitation on my part. She wasn’t stopping me either.

  Some rationality hit me then.

  Fuck. Stop, Landon. Don’t. Think of Macy. Think of Cash.

  My body wouldn’t listen though. I wanted this. A way to cope. A way to forget for a second. I wanted to fuck her. I wanted to feel something besides the everyday feeling and I was sure this was the answer.

  Madison’s body shook against me again. “Landon…” she pushed against my shoulders. I didn’t stop. Instead I pressed against her harder trying to make her see.

  There was a click in the distance; my head turned as I looked over my shoulder and stepped away.

  Alexa.

  Fuck!

  I was soaring but it quickly faded. I was burning until the ice water hit me. I was extraordinarily wrecked beyond forever. I was the blind man who crashed into everything without his walking stick. I lost the only little bit of light I had left of my shining star.

  Wrecked.

  Destroyed.

  Shattered.

  “Goddamn it!” I punched the wall and quickly pulled my pants up to go after Alexa. Madison followed behind me.

  We ruined everything that was barely holding us up anymore.

  Stepping out of the closet, we came face-t0-face with Alexa, Cash, and Macy. All was quiet for just a few seconds until it was so loud my ears felt like they were bleeding.

  “I NEVER want to see you again, Madison!” Macy’s voice echoed through the hallway. “You’re no longer my fucking sister.”

  My eyes settled on Macy’s when the severity of what we had done had set in. I’d broken her, what was left anyway. The tears streamed down her face, I did that. I put those tears in her eyes again. I thought that was the last straw with us. How much more could I break her? How many more times could I screw her life up? I looked down, my shirt was ripped and my tie was gone. My chin went to my chest, I fucked up royally, and I didn’t even have the balls to look her in the eyes. I didn’t mean to, I just wanted to forget for just a little bit. I saw that just those few minutes caused me to lose my light, my star, my last hope.

  I looked to Cash, he was shaking his head. He blinked and stared at me. I hated the look he gave me. I touched his girl. His. Not mine. Our friendship shifted again and not in a good way.

  Madison, who was standing beside me, took a deep breath; I could feel the trembling of her body from even a foot away. “We need to talk, Macy.”

  “No.” Macy snapped. “Actually, we don’t need to talk because we’ve done nothing but talk these past four months yet nothing has changed. Nothing!”

  Madison’s eyes flickered to Cash’s before she looked back to Macy. “I know, and I’m sorry! I know that I hurt you and I hate myself. Just tell me what I need to do. How can I fix this?”

  Macy stared at her sister, one of her best friends, before she said, “You can’t! You can’t fix anything you’ve done!”

  I slid down the wall I was leaning against, brought my knees up to my chest and dropped my head. Everything around me fell apart. I shut down, it was the only way.

  I’ve lost all control.

  I couldn’t deal any longer.

  I ripped those gutters off that perfect house. I tore the door off the hinges, broke the windows, and set the grass on fire. I ripped every pedal off that beautiful rose leaving it broken and ugly just like the house.

  She was right. We can’t fix anything we’ve done. Macy forgave me after that night as if it never happened. In reality, she forgave me before it even happened. That’s just Macy though. She wasn’t ready to lose the only piece of us we had left. I should have ended things right then and there between us but I couldn’t. I’m a selfish asshole. Deep down inside I need that girl more than I need my last breath.

  A tapping on the window causes me to jump. I look around, where am I? What the hell happened? I hear the tapping again and I look to see what’s causing it.

  Madison.

  I roll the window down a little bit with a shaking hand, “Get in.” My heart is pounding from the flashback like I had been propelled back in time and then with the tapping at the window I had been jerked back into reality.

  Madison walks around my truck and gets in. She rubs her hands together warming them up from the cool night.

  Taking the bottle of whiskey out of my right hand, she examines it and shrugs before taking a swig. It’s quiet for a few minutes before she asks, “Have you seen her since the season started?”

  She has this weird way of knowing where my mind is most of the time. Or maybe that it’s mostly on Macy these days and her guess is always right.

  Twisting my head to look out the driver side window I see all the cars have emptied from the lot. “Yeah. I took her out the other night and I said I would tomorrow too.”

  I face Madison as she nods, but she doesn’t look at me since she’s rolling a joint. I know it hurts that she doesn’t have her sister in her life anymore. Probably about as deep as it hurts that I don’t have Cash in mine. “What about you?”

  “I haven’t seen her.” Madison looks at me curiously.

  “I mean Cash. Have you seen him lately?” I wonder about what Saylor was talking about in the gym. I know they still see each other, and that it’s never public but I’m kind of curious. I want the two of them to work. I really do. Something from that night needs to stay the same.

  “Yeah,” she laughs lightly bringing the joint she just rolled to her lips and tucking her long hair behind her ear with the other hand. “Before you played the Colonels, he showed up at my dorm for five mornings in a row before your morning practice.” I laugh because it makes sense now. Cash was an animal that week and playing like I’ve never seen him play before.

  Madison and I don’t say much after that, neither of us needing to. The whiskey and joint doing its job and relaxing us to the point where nothing mattered.

  September 20, 2013

  After my second class lets out I text Macy and let her know I’m on my way to pick her up. We’re going to Macy’s favorite place, Pegasus Pizza, for lunch. I swear as tiny as she is she can practically put a whole pizza away herself.

  I pull out front of her dorm just as she’s walking out of the door. Her ponytail swooshes behind her as she makes her way to the truck. Her hips sway just the way I like them. I bite on my bottom lip as she opens the door. We could have walked, it’s not far, but it’s started raining hard right now. Plus, I like that I get to be this close to her, to shut the rest of the world out, for just a few minutes and not feel guilty about it.

  Macy’s warm perfume fills the truck and it takes everything in me not to pull her on my lap and tak
e her right here and now. It’s been too long since we’ve been together last and my hand doesn’t seem to be doing the job anymore. I try not to let myself get too attached to the closeness that we seem to gravitate toward when we’re together so I keep her at an arm’s distance. She glances over at me shyly but with that little smirk on her face. She knows I’m turned on, she always seems to know. I guess that’s what happens when you have been with the same person for years.

  I pull on her arm and bring her closer to me, “Give me a kiss.” I always make her take the lead, I never just do it. It’s my way of reassuring myself that we’re still okay.

  She places a feather light kiss on my lips. She’s teasing me. Okay, that’s fine. Two can play this game.

  “Baby,” I whisper as she rests her forehead on mine.

  “Landon,” Macy says breathlessly.

  I lick my lips and the tip of my tongue brushes against hers. She whimpers as I pull away teasing her.

  Macy straightens herself then sticks her bottom lip out pouting.

  I chuckle softly as I put the truck into drive. That’s all I am allowing myself to indulge in. I’m letting the mood simmer until it’s about to explode. The explosion could go either way landing us into a fight or a rip our clothes off situation. I’m praying for the second option but I wouldn’t be surprised if the first happens. It’s what I deserve for treating Macy the way I do. I wish she’d take the action I need her too but she never does. I need her to be strong for the both of us and walk away but maybe she’s not as strong as I think she is.

  Macy and I score a booth in the back corner away from mostly everyone. It’s the way we both prefer. No one can see me to bother us for a picture or an autograph. The waitress takes our order and says she’ll be back in a few with our drinks. Macy and I sit and talk about school. I yawn trying to fight off sleep. I barely slept last night, as I rarely ever do, but last night I was lucky to even get two hours.

  Fucking voices.

  I couldn’t get them to stop even after getting high and drinking more than necessary.

  I glance around as Macy goes on about Heather, her roommate. I know Heather is messing around with Declan but I don’t gossip so I just let Macy go on about it. I notice some geek with glasses too big for his face checking Macy out.

  “Who is that, Macy?” I ask giving a little nod in the douchebag’s direction.

  Macy looks all around, “Who?”

  I roll my eyes, “That guy over there staring at you?”

  Macy twists in the other direction, “Oh,” she turns back around. “That’s Will. He’s in my business strategy and planning class.”

  I nod because I want to rip that fucking guy’s glasses off and break his face for staring at her the way he is. It shouldn’t bother me but it does. Macy deserves a lot more than my sorry ass but it doesn’t stop me from being possessive over her.

  Will catches me staring at him. I smirk and nod in his direction letting him know I caught him. He quickly diverts his eyes and doesn’t look over at her again.

  The rest of lunch I go from acting like I’m paying attention to Macy to watching to see if Will looks over here again.

  He doesn’t. Smart man.

  After we’ve eaten we drive back to the dorms. I park my truck then meet Macy around the front and we walk hand-in-hand up to our dorm building. The rain has let up a little bit and now it’s just a fine mist.

  “Is Heather in there?” I ask with a nod toward her wing of the dorm rooms. Even though Macy and Heather don’t share a bedroom it never fails that Heather walks in on us so Macy refuses to have sex if she’s in their dorm room.

  Macy nods, “Yeah, she doesn’t leave for another hour or so.”

  Colton is probably in our room jerking off again but I’m kicking that pussy out. I open the doors and allow Macy to walk into the building first. She adjusts her purse on her shoulder. She doesn’t want our time to be over yet, I can tell by the look in her eye every time she looks at me. And I’m not gonna lie, I don’t want it to end either. For once, the voices are quiet today and I’m having one of my better days.

  I pull her into my arms and she snuggles into my chest. “Come with me.”

  She looks up, “Where?”

  We don’t spend time with other people when we’re together. It’s always just her and me. The way we both like it. We don’t need to pretend for other people and we are free to be the real people we are. “To my room.”

  “Colton’s there, isn’t he?” She knows Colton’s schedule like the back of her hand. We’re used to sneaking around to find a place to hang out together.

  I start walking backwards toward my room pulling her along, “Yeah, but not for long.” Now I just pray that pussy really isn’t jerking off because that’s the last thing Macy or I need to see but it won’t be the first time we’ve interrupted his one-handed dates.

  Surprisingly, when we get to my room it’s quiet. I don’t know where he’s at and I don’t really give a shit right this second. I only care about being inside Macy and losing myself for a little while. Keeping the ugly at bay.

  I shut and lock the door behind us then toss my keys on my desk. Our room fucking smells like a trash can and it’s a mess with clothes thrown all around and empty beer bottles all over. We really need to clean this place up.

  I stalk over to Macy. She’s nervous, afraid that any minute I’ll shut her out. It’s what I normally do to her. She puts herself in a shell to protect her heart from me but today, right now, I’m cracking it open. These feelings are few and far between with me but when they are here I’m taking every single second of it. I don’t deserve her, I never had, never will, but for some reason she thinks otherwise and I’m so fucking glad she does.

  “You’re scared,” I state rather than ask.

  She blinks a few times, her cheeks turning pink. “A little.”

  I slip her purse off her shoulder, it hits the floor with a thud. I step back slightly to reach behind me with one hand pulling my shirt over my head. I have to lead this show. I have to put myself out there first for her. Macy’s eyes roam from the floor up to my bare stomach. Her fingers tap on her legs like she has to do something with them in order to keep from touching me. I flick the button of my jeans, then unzip them and they fall to the floor. Macy gasps and a smile tugs at my lips. I toe each shoe off and kick my jeans to the side.

  Finally, as if Macy couldn’t hold back anymore her fingers graze over my stomach. As soon as I feel the contact my stomach muscles tighten. She doesn’t move her hand but doesn’t pull it away either. Lifting her chin up I kiss her and she melts into me, slowly at first but then it’s like that shell cracks wide open with only my touch. I reach for the hem of her shirt and pull it off, her bra, pants, and panties follow.

  Reaching for Macy’s hand I pull her to my bed with me. I kiss low on Macy’s shoulder while my fingers skate over her bare chest all the way down to her pussy. We’re watching our every move in the mirror that is fixed directly across from my bed. When we’re both watching each other it makes everything more intense. There is nothing in this moment but the two of us, everything and everyone is blocked out. Our hearts beat as one as I wish it would continue doing for the rest of our lives. I can’t give Macy a happily ever after, I’m not that guy, not anymore.

  I slide one finger between her legs massaging her clit lightly at first then apply a little more pressure. She’s already wet for me and I love it. Her eyes start to flutter closed but when I bite down on her shoulder they fly back open. “Do you know how beautiful you are?”

  Macy’s breathing catches and she stares intently into my eyes through the mirror. She wants to believe me and she should but she won’t. That night took more from us than any of us are ready to face. I know she has more self-image issues now after the accident. Her nose is slightly crooked but I think it makes her look more beautiful. I wish she’d see it.

  I continue placing small kisses down her collarbone. Then slowly I slide my body out fro
m behind her but make sure that she can still see me. “Keep watching,” I tell her in between kisses I place on her chest between her breasts.

  I cup each of my hands and take one of her nipples into my mouth. I kiss it, swirl my tongue around it a few times before moving on to the other one. I start to make my way down her stomach but she puts her hand under my chin and stops me.

  “My turn.”

  My heart starts to beat wildly. Today something is different between us and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Normally when we have sex it’s one sided, the connection isn’t firing at one hundred percent, but it’s firing on all cylinders tonight. Maybe it’s because we’ve gone longer than normal without having sex, maybe it’s just that we’re on the same page. Whatever it is we both need it more than we’re willing to admit to each other.

  I lie back on my bed as Macy takes the lead climbing between my legs. She kisses me until her mouth reaches the waistband of my boxers. My dick is straining hard against them and it jumps as she kisses the head. Too worked up to take this slow I lift my hips and start sliding my boxers off not even waiting for her to move.

  Macy leans forward a few inches and licks the bead of pre-cum before she lowers her mouth onto me. I groan as shivers rack my body. She sucks me in until I feel the back of her throat. My hips arch off the bed wanting to go deeper but Macy places a tiny hand on my stomach stopping me. Once she knows I got the message she slips her hand down and wraps it around the base of my dick. She pumps her hand up and down while bobbing her head at the same time working me over. My breathing is shallow and I’m close but I don’t want to come in her mouth. I’m just about to tell her to stop as she slows down and then swirls her tongue around the tip.

  “Baby,” I pant.

  Macy looks up at me with wide, innocent eyes. She’s surprised I’m ready so quickly but she doesn’t seem to care since she presses my dick forward and licks the underside causing my stomach muscles to clench. I can’t take it any longer, she done playing around. I reach down grabbing her under the arms pulling her toward me and then rolling us so I’m on top of her.