Surviving Regret Page 6

  “My turn.”

  I lean up but she grabs my wrist, “No, I just need you now.”

  Nodding because I understand what she means. We’re past the foreplay stage and she needs the connection.

  I reach over and pull out a condom from my bedside drawer. After quickly sliding the condom on I cover her small body with mine once more. I can’t wait another second to be inside her. I move my hands and position her hips so that my head is at her entrance. Pushing in very slowly my eyes squeeze shut from the tight, hot sensation. I wait just a few seconds giving her a chance to adjust before pulling almost all the way out and slamming hard back into her. Leaning down I rest my forehead against Macy’s rocking my body back and forth. Our eyes lock and the intense raw emotions are almost too much. Macy feels it too as tears pool in her eyes. This is the “us” from our first time. Nothing is tainting our lives in this moment. Just two people who love each other until the end.

  Tears slip down her cheeks and she reaches up to wipe them away. “Don’t cry, Macy.”

  Macy gives me a sad smile before wrapping her arms around my neck to pull me closer to her. I can feel her heart beating against my chest, that’s how close we are. She’s anchoring herself to me for however long this ride lasts. I’m not going to lie, I’m holding on just as hard too.

  Her body wracks with sobs and I almost stop but then her hips start meeting mine thrust for thrust. My body starts humming from the state of ecstasy she’s propelled me into and my tempo speeds up with hers. We’re feeding off of each other like we always do when things are good.

  “I love you, Landon.” Macy’s muffled voice breaks through my fog.

  Leaning up on my elbows I tell her what she needs to hear in this moment. “I love you, too, my shining star.”

  I shouldn’t have told her that but I do love Macy. I wish that I didn’t because I can’t ask her to live her life with me. I’ll just drag her down and she doesn’t deserve that. I’m too fucked up.

  Macy’s body stills and her eyes fix on mine for just a second before she’s clinching around me. The sensation does me in and I pump faster, my release hits hard. My vision gets spotty as I continue to rock in Macy at a slower pace but never losing eye contact with her. Eventually my body gives out and I collapse on top of her. I’m probably crushing her but she’d never tell me. Macy runs her fingernails up and down my back as I try to get my breathing under control.

  “Fuck,” I pant out. “I never wanted it to end.”

  Macy doesn’t respond. She knows me all too well, she’s waiting for that wall to go up between us and for me block the world out again. It’s what she’s used to.

  I slip from Macy’s body with a hiss, missing her warmth already and pull her to me. We wrap our arms around each other and fall asleep eventually listening to each other’s breathing.

  September 23, 2013

  I pull my cell phone out of my pocket and curse. I’m late meeting Jay, he hates that shit and I doubt he’s still waiting for me. I got held up by one of my professors. She’s concerned about me and my grades. Hell, I’m concerned about them, too. No matter what I do I feel like I’m always one step behind. I’m passing but just barely and I have to keep my grades up in order to keep my scholarship. I promised I’d get some help, it was a lie but she bought it. I don’t have time for help.

  I walk quickly just off the quad in my normal meeting place with Jay and am thankful he’s still there. I hand him the money, he hands me the weed and I take off in the other direction in a hurry because I’m going to be late for practice.

  Colton and Jet greet me when I walk in. I throw my bag on the bench and pull out some clothes. The locker room is mostly empty except for Cash who is still getting changed himself.

  I reach into my jean pocket and pull out the baggie quickly shoving it in my bag and zipper it. I look around making sure no one saw but when I glance in Cash’s direction he’s standing there staring at me, but acting as if he doesn’t really care. But he saw me and what I had. Fuck. I really didn’t need for him of all people to see that.

  I stare at him, wondering if he’s going say anything, only he doesn’t. He just shakes his head and continues doing what he’s doing.

  I put on my basketball shorts, slip my shoulder pads on over my head, securing them and then toss on my practice jersey. We’re just doing catches so I don’t need to be completely suited up. I double-check that I’ve locked my locker, grab my helmet and run off to the field before coach bitches I’m late again.

  We’re running plays getting ready for the game this weekend. Cash is throwing balls to the other receivers perfectly, nailing it each and every time. When he throws to me he makes me work for it. He throws the ball too short, too long, too hard. I keep up for the most part but I fuck up some that I should’ve been able to catch. He’s doing it on purpose and he has every right to. Coach is all over my ass about it and there isn’t a goddamn thing I can do about it.

  After practice is over we all hit the showers. The voices in my head are creeping back in.

  “Landon, get down.”

  I hurry, rushing around when normally I’m one of the last to leave.

  “Landon, get it. It’s burning my back.”

  “Hey, man, where you going?” Colton asks.

  “Steven!” Alexa screams. “No, you promised.”

  I pick up my bag and throw it over my shoulder, “I’ve got stuff to do.”

  When I walk past Cash I catch him say, “I bet you do.” But I don’t stop. No good will come of it if I do. He doesn’t realize I’m on the verge of losing it.

  I ride around in my truck for what feels like forever waiting for the parking lot to clear before heading back. The weed in my bag and the whiskey under my seat are taunting me. Finally feeling like I couldn’t wait another second, I pull into my normal parking spot and reach for the whiskey.

  I drink it down until my throat feels like it’s on fire. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and then do it all over again. The voices are still taunting me but they aren’t as loud. They aren’t screams like most of the time, muffled to only whispers.

  I’m smoking when the familiar tap on my window comes. I don’t bother rolling my window down this time, I just simply hit the unlock button so Madison can climb in.

  “Hey.”

  I nod, “Hey.”

  She reaches into her purse and pulls out what looks to be cocaine. “You want some?”

  I stare at her wondering when the hell she got in so deep. She isn’t the Madison I once knew, not the one who liked to sit back and relax. Smoke a little weed and get drunk, now she’s into the heavy shit. “You’re in too deep, Madison.”

  She laughs bitterly, “You’re one to talk, Landon.” Madison reaches for a mirror from her purse and dumps some powder on it. Then she uses a credit card and cuts two straight lines. I shake my head and look away as she snorts it. This is some fucked up shit. What’s worse is that I’m not doing anything to stop it.

  Madison goes quiet, I glance in her direction. She’s drumming her fingers on her legs, she’s blinking a mile a minute and then her legs start bouncing causing the truck to sway slightly.

  “What’s that?” I say pointing to the bruise on her arm.

  She looks down quickly to what I’m pointing at then her eyes go crazy looking all around but never at me. “Nothing.”

  “Doesn’t look like nothing.” She shifts in her seat. “What if Cash finds out?”

  She finally meets my eyes for just a second. “He’s not going to.”

  I lean my head back against the seat wishing I had some more weed to deal with this shit. “What are you doing with Cash anyway, Madison?”

  She’s quiet, I don’t think she’s going to answer. She digs around in her purse and pulls out a water bottle. “You should talk, Landon. You should think about what you’re doing with Macy.”

  I huff, “That’s too much work.”

  Chapter Two

  September 24, 2013
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  Macy

  “Labs are due at the start of the next class.” Professor Smith yells above the noise of the students shuffling out of class.

  I’m last to leave class and when I step out into the hall I run directly into Alexa. The world around me freezes and I get hit with a wave of nausea. I’ve barely seen or spoken to her in these last three years. She hates me, she hates all of us, and I don’t blame her. I’d hate the world if my forever after was taken from me too.

  “Uh…Hey.” I stumble over my words.

  Alexa looks down and fidgets with her fingers. She looks horrible and I hate that. She doesn’t deserve to look like this. She used to be full of curves, gorgeous red hair, pale skin with freckles sprinkled over the top of her nose and the prettiest pale green eyes I’ve ever seen. Now, she’s lost so much weight, she’s skin and bones, her clothes hang off of her. She looks like the twelve year-old Alexa was before she hit puberty. She’s living through hell and my heart breaks for her.

  I never see her with anyone. I loved her, still do, she’s like a sister to me but yet I never have the balls to face her. To go to her and demand she starts living again. To keep her head held high like Steven would want her to but who the hell am I to say these things to her when I can’t do the same. I’m a coward. I’m lost and trying to find my way too.

  “How are you doing?” I try asking a question hoping I get some kind of response.

  It’s awkward standing here with her. I’m uncomfortable. I know she has to be too. I feel like an idiot.

  ‘How are you doing?’ real smooth Macy, real fucking smooth. She’s a fucking mess. Her life has been destroyed.

  Alexa looks up, surprising me, but just shakes her head and walks away without a backwards glance.

  I pinch the bridge of my nose, pissed at myself, pissed at her, pissed at the whole world. The memories start to bubble to the surface as I silently remember Alexa screaming. If I let them bubble over they’ll suffocate me and I can’t have that. I’m barely breathing on my own right now.

  I take a few deep breaths pushing the memories away. I put one foot in front of the other and remind myself that I’m still living for a reason and Steven would want me to keep living. Keep pushing forward when all I want to do is crumble.

  Landon is waiting for me just around the corner.

  “Hey,” he greets me.

  “Hey,” I look around wondering if he noticed Alexa walk past him but if he has he’s not letting on about it.

  Landon nods his head in the direction of the doors, “You ready?”

  “Yeah, let’s go.”

  As we continue down the hall I see Cash walking toward us with Saylor right alongside him. My palms start to sweat a little because it’s always a little awkward when Landon and Cash are near each other.

  The past few minutes were hard and I can’t handle much more so soon.

  God, let me hold my shit together long enough to get through this awkwardness.

  Cash winks and high fives me as he passes. I laugh nervously as Landon mumbles something beside me. Cash did that as a dig to Landon but I also know that he can’t ignore me and never will. He doesn’t care that Landon was there beside me.

  I pray every night that Cash and Landon will start talking again one day. But with every day, every month, every year that passes it just makes the chances of them mending things that much harder. I love them both and I need them in my life one way or another.

  Landon and I walk side-by-side silently to our classes. I don’t know what to say so I say nothing. I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not going to stop talking to Cash just because they don’t talk anymore. We aren’t in grade school. Landon talks to Madison and he knows how I feel about that but I don’t say a word. I have every right not wanting him talking to her since he almost had sex with her on our damn prom night. That night was supposed to be ours. I squeeze my eyes shut for a second in annoyance at myself for allowing—hell, for forgiving—him. Landon did cheat on me with my sister in some ways. I let him get away with it. I turned a blind eye because he’s all I have left of my old life. The life I want back. He’s my other half whether he sees it or not. I don’t try to run his life and tell him he can’t talk to my sister and he isn’t going to tell me I can’t talk to Cash.

  We stop in front of the door to the lecture hall where my next class is. I want to say something to Landon but what do I say? I’m sorry I talked to Cash? I’m sorry you hate it? I’m sorry you went to my sister when we were all suffering in one way or another? Yeah, no, I’m not apologizing for that.

  Landon leans forward and barely brushes his lips against my forehead before turning in the other direction heading toward his class. That stings but I brush it off because I have to. What choice do I have? This is the road I choose and I have to deal with all the bumps along the way.

  My life is exhausting. I feel like I go to battle every day and some days I wish I had the balls to just say fuck it all and move on. But I can’t. I don’t know how to move on without them in my life. Losing what little we are all holding onto is not a sacrifice I’m willing to make…so I deal, I fucking deal the only way I know how, just like Alexa does with her avoidance of us all, just like Cash does by his devotion to my sister, just like Madison does with her fucked up existence and her drug use, and just like Landon does with the walls he erects to keep those who love him at arm’s length and his need to erase the pain.

  September 28, 2013

  “Does this look okay?” Heather, my roommate for the last three years, asks.

  Heather can pull off any look she tries. She has the perfect complexion, something I wish I had. She can wear bright colors and look like she spent all day tanning. She can wear dark clothes and not look washed out. She walks out in a pair of black, skinny jeans that are ripped up her thighs with a super tight, hot pink halter top paired with matching hot pink heels and she looks utterly flawless. Her short, raven, pixie hairstyle makes her look sleek and fabulous. I envy those girls who can pull off the flawless look. Heather is that girl and I love her like she’s family. She’s more of a sister to me then Madison has been.

  “I’m envious.” I pout.

  She puts her hands on her hips and cocks an eyebrow. “Stop that. You have no reason to be envious. I’d kill for your ass.”

  I laugh turning back to the mirror to finish applying my makeup. Heather picks up the curling iron and starts helping me curl the ends of my hair. I’m not getting fancy for the party because I doubt I’ll even stay that long once Landon arrives. We’ve barely spoken since I high-fived Cash in the hallway a few days ago. I decided to go for casual, it’s not like I’m trying to impress anyone anyway. I can’t handle having to please anyone else. I wear my favorite pair of worn jeans that have a fancy design on the back pockets with a tight flannel shirt…so tight I have to leave the first few buttons undone in order to give my boobs room and I decide to wear my dark brown, knee-high boots that match my shirt.

  When Heather and I are ready we head over to Austin’s house where the party is being held. Austin’s a tight end for the Ducks. It’s a little bit of a hike but since we’ll both be drinking there is no way we were driving. The walk is good for me anyway. It’ll give me a chance to clear my head a bit. Preps me for what I know will be a battle.

  We get about halfway there and Heather senses my uneasiness. “So, the guys won today?”

  “Yup.”

  Heather kicks a rock down the sidewalk. “Who’d they play?”

  “California Golden Bears.”

  I’m being short. I don’t mean to but I really don’t want to talk about the game. The game I should have went to but figured it was better I didn’t since I knew Landon wouldn’t want me there.

  “The score?”

  “Sixteen to fifty-five.” I look over to Heather and lift an eyebrow. “Where are you going with this?”

  She looks up to the sky still walking along, “Why didn’t you just go to the game? You never miss one.”


  I shrug.

  “Macy,” Heather says in a warning tone.

  I sigh, “Because Landon and I aren’t exactly speaking right now.”

  Heather eyes me waiting for me to continue. I shrug, “Cash high-fived me in the hallway when I was with Landon.”

  She starts laughing, she laughs so hard she bends over. “Are you fucking kidding me? What? Are we in grade school?”

  I smile, “I thought the same thing.”

  Heather links her arm with mine, “Girl, what are we going to do with you? You can’t live with him and you can’t live without him.”

  “Tell me something I don’t know.”

  People are spilling out onto the porch of Austin’s house when it comes into view. We could hear the bass and people yelling and laughing from a few blocks over. We’re walking past Austin’s neighbor’s house when Heather nudges me. Some guy is pissing on a tree for the whole world to see. Two girls barely dressed are lying on the front lawn with Solo cups outlining their bodies.

  Heather grips my arm a little tighter knowing I’m about to bolt. “Don’t. Break out of that damn shell of yours and keep your head held high. You didn’t do a damn thing.” I relax, just a little bit. “If you don’t show, Landon wins. Is that what you want?”

  “Are we playing football now?”

  She stops walking and causes me to stumble a bit. “Macy…”

  I roll my eyes, “No, I don’t want him to win.” He always wins though.

  She smiles, “Good, now put a smile on that pretty face of yours and swing those hips when we walk in that door.”

  I glare at her.

  She smirks, “I bet you ten bucks Landon talks to you within twenty minutes if you do what I say.”

  I raise my eyebrows, “You’re serious.”